Tuesday, May 28, 2013

In a slump

I think 34 is too young to have a mid-life crisis. But today, I had a little bit of a break. Not a breakdown, per se, but wondering about some of the choices I've made in my life. I was having a normal phone conversation with my sister and, out of nowhere, I slowly dissolved into tears. Not typically my MO.
I feel absolutely blessed to have a beautiful family ... but I also feel lost. I'm wondering about my worth, contribution and talent. I remember when I was more creative. What happened to that side of me? I wonder if I've traveled a path that got further and further away from creative challenges, joyful experiences and basically things that brought happiness to my life. I acted a little in college, wrote and produced pieces in grad school, even won a writing award when I graduated and now ... nothing. I do not feel an ounce bit creative.
 As my fantastic 26 year old colleague jokes (we share many of the same trials and tribulations), "You mean you're dead behind the eyes." It's terribly dark, funny, and a little bit true. When I told her I was too old, she objected. I know I'm not, really, that I have so much ahead of me but I feel too old to be lost. I'm 34, for crap's sake. I'm a wife! And a mom. I'm a grown up. I am too old to start over. I've got a family who depends on me. I can't just up and quit and go back to school. Or spend money to find my bliss. I have to work. At the very least, I can't incur debt (expecting The Man to support the family while I spend money) to figure out what I want in life.
I worry because I don't want to be one of those people who are never happy. Ugh, definitely not that. But I'm sad I haven't been able to find joy in all aspects of my life. If I had to only pick one place to be happy, though, hands down I am so thankful to have a wonderful home life.
I'm trying to sort through things and figure out what I can do to bring some of that joy back while fulfilling obligations and responsibilities. Is it taking a writing class? Acting class? One more day of yoga? I know I need to do something.
I have to end this entry on a somewhat happier note. So I'll leave with this. I will admit, my love for The Office dulled a little after Steve Carrel's character, Michael Scott, left the show. But when The Office announced that this was its last season, I was sad. It is one of my favorite shows. And, as you may know, I love to be entertained by humor. It's a wonderful escape. The Office made me so incredibly uncomfortable at times but I had to keep watching! I wanted so badly for Pam and Jim to get together and was overjoyed when they finally did. I loved many of the characters and identified with their simple lives. Such good acting and writing. The Man brought DVDs to the hospital when I was in labor. I have vivid memories laboring with The Office theme music playing quietly in the background. And I have vague memories after giving birth (the first couple months afterwards were a blur) of breastfeeding while watching The Office.
Anyway, www.dooce.com posted a video she found on YouTube which showed The Office's bloopers over eight seasons. It is positively fantastic:
Brightens my day even when I feel a bit lost. Hope it brings you chuckles, too;)

Monday, May 13, 2013

Mother's Day

By far, the best one. From start to finish, it was the kind of day I appreciate.
We leisurely started our day, in no rush. The entire family then took a stroll to our nearest Starbucks. Here's the thing: when it's just me, I can only handle taking The Bun on a 30 minute walk. When the pups come along, there are too many bodies to look after and it isn't so much fun as it stressful for this mama. So, unfortunately, the two pups stay behind on what would have been a very nice walk for them. Sad face. More back story: The Man is not fond of walks. He says it's because he walks all day on his job, up and down stairs, ladders and multiple trips throughout the job site. When he gets home, he doesn't want to do anymore walking! But on this day, he entertained my request and went along for the walk. This meant the pups could go too. I can't explain how happy this simple trip made me. I love walks and was so happy everyone could enjoy it.
Admittedly, the trip from Starbucks back to our home wasn't as relaxed because I made the fam hustle to get back. Mama had a date with a friend to go wine tasting! I used to be a member of a wine club but, when we moved, I realized that it was better for me to end my membership because I didn't drink that much wine. It was really the easiest thing to cut out of my budget. That doesn't mean I wasn't a tad bit sad. This winery (technically, wine company but I like to call them an urban winery) is my favorite because it's only 30 minutes away and has a cool view of San Francisco. Plus the place itself is really pretty and I just feel happy when I'm there. I had convinced my friend to go there when my complimentary wine tasting benefits were coming to an end (membership had its perks) and she fell in love with it too. So my friend proposed we wine taste on Mother's Day sans children. Oh, how nice it was! The weather was gorgeous, just perfect. We sat outside, drank wine and ate a delicious lunch. This is one of my dearest friends and we have such a difficult time getting together so it was a great three hours of catching up, laughing and enjoying fantastic wine.
We parted ways happily so we could enjoy our own Mother's Day dinners. While it was great to have some grown up time away from the home, it was nice to reunite with The Man and The Bun. They were ready for dinner by the time I came home! We went to this local place that has become one of the hippest places in its small town. So hip that we waited an hour and a half to be seated. Surprisingly, I didn't really mind that. What I minded was that they seem to have outgrown their space and their no-reservations policy but don't have a system that's working for them quite yet. While I vowed to not go back for a long while (I adore the place but I need a break from their growing pains nonsense), it was fun way to end the day.
The Man topped off the day with a very nice gift. This mama also cut pampering out of the budget because it was the second easiest way to save money and, quite frankly, I don't have the time to trek out to the salon that houses my favorite esthetician and massage therapist. He asked me what I would like as a gift and I told him that I would love a treatment or two at this salon. The Man gave me a gift certificate so I can get a facial and massage. Whooohooo! I don't know when I'll be able to use it but it's really wonderful to know it's there.
There you have it. Nothing crazy, nothing over the top but it was fantastic and lovely. My hubby went a-walkin' even though it's not his favorite thing to do, watched The Bun and then treated us to a nice dinner. I'm very thankful for all my blessings.
The Bun and me entertaining ourselves while waiting for dinner.

Wednesday, May 01, 2013

It's official. No, really. It's done-done.

Two days ago, we gave the keys (and garage opener remotes) to the buyers' realtor. I've been meaning to blog about it, blog about this entire experience, but I haven't found the time. Honestly, between work, moving and a toddler, my head has pretty much been up my ass.
I didn't cry. I'm so thankful, I was worried because the day after we moved to the apartment, I cried. Twice. But having a month to deal with the move - from the time escrow closed to the time we gave up our keys - so much time has passed.
I'm a praying woman. Even when I didn't go to church which I think was a little over a decade, I've been a praying woman. Well, I'm now more than ever. Strike that, I think after the tough times last year and finally finding a church we can attend as a family, my prayers have been a lot more meaningful. And specific.
While our first loan was pre-approved, our second loan was denied. And every day there are articles in the news stating how home prices continue to rise. So now we know the housing hit rock bottom and we're on an upswing. Not good for home buyers like us who can't even look yet because homes are flying off the market.
I'm thankful for our health. I'm so thankful for The Man and our strong relationship. I'm thankful to have a clever, easy-going, beautiful little girl and two adorable pups who make my days better. But I pray every day that we can get this show on the road before we get priced out of the market.